


Guilty

by blueelvewithwings



Series: Spanking Sunday [13]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Aftercare, Bring Toothbrush for the aftercare, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Non-Sexual Spanking, Punishment, Self-Worth Issues, Spanking, Survivor Guilt, canonical character death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 07:05:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17116694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueelvewithwings/pseuds/blueelvewithwings
Summary: Even a year later, Ray still feels responsible for Leonard's death. Mick sets out to rectify this.





	Guilty

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SophiaCatherine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaCatherine/gifts).



> //This is for the lovely SophiaCatherine who wanted to see Ray feeling guilty and responsible for Len's death and it eating away at him in secret for ages. I hope it does your prompt justice~

Mick could tell that Ray was feeling off. He didn‘t know what about, or how long he‘d been feeling like this, but he definitely wasn‘t his usually sunshiney self. He also didn‘t open up to Mick about it, which was very unlike his Haircut. Usually he could be convinced to blurt out whatever was bothering him when Mick just sat next to him long enough, or through a good amount of calculated glaring at him. It never failed to break that shell of pouty brooding, but this time it didn‘t work. Mick couldn‘t really tell when it had started, but it had been going on for several days for sure. So it was time now, time to crack that shell and get to the hurting before it festered.

So he did the only other thing that always seemed to help. He grabbed Ray on their way out after a team meeting and dragged him straight into their room, ignoring Ray‘s protests.

„Here‘s how‘s it gonna go, Haircut. You tell me what flew up your ass or I‘m gonna spank you until it comes out.“ Even with the opportunity of freely telling Mick, Mick knew it wasn‘t going to happen, and one look at Ray told him that this would be a hard one on his boy. He stood there, clearly uncomfortable, and shook his head.

„It‘s nothing, Mick. Really, I‘m fine.“

As if _really, I‘m fine_ was ever an expression of really being fine. He didn‘t need ten fancy degrees to know that.

„You sure are. So why don‘t you bend over the bed and continue telling me that until I believe you?“

Ray gave him a stubborn glare but did start taking off his pants, which Mick counted as a win. „Only until you believe me?“, Ray asked, and Mick gave him a nod. If Haircut would make him believe that he truly was fine, the spanking would stop. And if he didn‘t make him believe so, he‘d go on to spank him until he got to the core of the issue.

„Safeword‘s Titanic“, Ray told him as he bent over the bed, shuffling around a bit until he was lying on his stomach, legs hanging over the edge so he could present his backside to Mick.

„Alright, Doll. Titanic. I‘m going to start with the brush“ Mick informed him while he went to retrieve the mentioned implement. It was one of their favourites, maybe it could get the desired answer out of Ray.

When he came back with the brush Ray was still where he had left him, stubbornly staring out of the window with the fabricated outside landscape.

„I really am fine, Mick.“

„And as soon as I believe that, the spanking will stop.“

And with that, he let the brush come down, hard, but not hard enough to overwhelm Ray right at the beginning of the spanking.

„Really, I am. I‘ve just been tired the past few days.“

„Sure, Doll. With the nightmares you wake up from repeatedly every night, you must be so rested.“

Sarcasm wasn‘t usually his thing, but somehow it felt right here. Somehow sounded like something Snart might have said. Ray flinched a bit at his words, but even without seeing his face Mick knew that his mouth was set in a stubborn line, not wanting to give up what was bothering him. For someone always running around being a pure sunshine, Ray could be very hard to crack sometimes.

He brought the brush down again and again, waiting for Ray to speak again. He didn‘t have anything to lecture him about this time, after all. He just wanted to make sure his Doll would be alright.

„Yeah, I‘m fine though“ Ray muttered around the tenth slap, and Mick didn‘t believe him an ounce more than before.

„Just been… a year since he died now, y‘know.“

A year. Since he died. Mick felt sick for a moment, but pushed it back down. Thinking about him still wasn‘t easy. That stupid ring of his was still burning a hole in Mick‘s chest where he wore it on a chain.

„Yeah, I know. What about it?“ He tried to sound like it didn‘t affect him much, but Ray was the one person that Mick could not hide his emotions from. Ray knew that even a year on, he still grieved Snart and still felt his loss acutely. He had made his peace with it though, had moved on, and Ray and him had a good thing going now. He genuinely cared for the sunny scientist in a way he‘d only cared for Snart before, and while it felt different, it also kinda felt the same, and Mick found himself enjoying finding what he had with Snart with someone else as well.

„ It‘s just… you were so close. There was so much love between you. And I took it all away.“ Ray sounded a bit watery now, but Mick didn‘t relent. He‘d get this out, whatever it was, so that Ray could deal with it and return to his sunny, beaming self.

„We had thirty years to build what we had, Haircut.“ He wasn‘t sure if this was the point. Was Ray jealous that he‘d spend more time with Snart? That was such an unreasonable thing to do though, he‘d known Snart since juvie and had known Ray for maybe two years now. Known about him for longer, sure, they kept tabs on all the billionaires around, but only known him for so long.

But then something else registered in his brain, and it all came to a screeching stop. He knew he sounded dangerous when he spoke up, almost threatening, but he couldn‘t help it.

„What do you mean, you took it all away?“

This time he was sure he heard a little sob, but Ray just shook his head.

„Don‘t, Mick. Please.“

„Tell me, Haircut. Come on. You didn‘t take anything away.“

„But I did!“ Ray flinched under the next slap, but his voice was loud, maybe louder than Mick had ever heard him be.

„I did! If I had not said that it would kill me you wouldn‘t have taken my place, and Len wouldn‘t have taken yours, so he‘d still be alive and you could be with him!“

Ray slammed his hands down on the covers, obviously agitated now. Mick felt sick to the core. He had no idea that Ray felt like this. He wanted to go and throw up for not realising it sooner, and then go down on his knees and apologize to Ray for not noticing and make sure he was alright. How could he not have noticed that Ray had been carrying this guilt around for a year?

He needed to be strong for him now though, needed to make sure that Ray was okay. He could still go puke later.

So he did what he needed to do, and sharply brought down the brush.

„You are not responsible for Snart‘s death, Ray.“

„But I am! It should have been me!“

The brush came down again, drawing out another sob from Ray.

„It should not have been you. It was my decision to take your place, and his decision to take mine. His decision, that he made by himself. My decision, that I made by myself. You are not guilty of this, you have no part in his death, do you understand?“

His speech was interspersed with harsh slaps from the brush, and Ray was sniffling along now, crying but holding perfectly still. As if he craved the punishment. As if he thought he deserved it.

„How can you not blame me? You could have been with him still!“

And maybe that was the whole point of it. Ray seemed to feel like he had caused Snart‘s death, and that Mick would have been happier being with Snart still.

Would he have been, though?

„Yeah, I could have. But he‘s gone, and now I‘m with you, Haircut. You‘re my partner now.“

„How can you say that! How can you even bear to look at me! I killed him and now you‘re with me but you loved him so much, how can you even stand my presence?!“

Mick placed a hand on Ray‘s back to keep him in place and raised the brush higher than before, bringing it down more viciously.

„You didn‘t kill him.“

Another strike.

„That is not on you.“

Another one.

„I‘m with you because I want to be.“

Another strike, and Ray sobbed harshly and started to trash under him without really trying to get away.

„How can you say that when you were with him for thirty years?“ His speech was slurred by now, hiccuped and watery, but Mick had become good at understanding him while he was crying by now.

„Haircut. Loving him for thirty years doesn‘t mean I love you any less now.“

And there it was. The L-word. The one he and Snart had never used in their thirty years, despite the fact that they‘d been married and they knew their feelings for one another were a fact and as solid as anything. They‘d just never said it out loud. And now here he went, getting all soft and domestic after just a year.

„But… but how? I got him killed, Mick! It should have been me!“ Ray sounded truly vexed now, and just cried at the onslaught of the spanking. For a moment Mick contemplated stopping the spanking, but he knew that it helped to keep it up until the end, until Ray saw his point or it truly became too much. Ray had his safeword, and he hadn‘t used it yet, after all.

„It should not have been you, Raymond. Maybe that‘s what the Time Masters wanted, but we do have a free will.“

„But… but you could still be with him. Wouldn‘t that be better than settling for me?“ He sounded so worn out now, so tired and small, and Mick wanted nothing more than to scoop him in his arms and keep him safe forever.

It was a valid question though, and one Mick had avoided thinking about for now. It didn‘t matter, after all. Snart was dead, and he wouldn‘t come back alive by the power of wishing for it alone. And Ray was good, Ray was not as destructive for him as Snart had been at times, Ray supported him, Ray believed in him, Ray was there for him. All things Snart had done as well, but they were just different in the most basic way they went about life.

None of them were better than the other, he realised. They were just different. And Snart was dead, but he still had Ray. So really, there was only one answer to give, no matter how much it felt like he was betraying his late husband, no matter how much it still hurt.

„No, Haircut. You‘re good.“

He wanted to say _you‘re good for me,_ or _we‘re good together_ , but his ability of talking feelings didn‘t quite reach that far yet. He had to take baby steps.

„Do you… do you really mean that?“ Ray turned his head to finally look at him for the first time, showing his red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks, and he sounded so terribly insecure.

So Mick brought the brush down again, hoping it would feel as final to Ray as it did to him.

„I do, Doll. I do.“

And with that, Ray started full-on crying again, but he reached back to catch one of Mick‘s hands in his own, squeezing it tightly.

„Thank you“ he whispered through his tears, burying his face in his free arm as he held on to Mick‘s hand.

„Thank you, Master, for wanting me.“

Ray switching from calling him Mick to addressing him by title during a spanking always told Mick that he was going to be okay, that his resistance was truly broken and he was ready to soak up the praise that Mick had waiting for him, so he dropped the brush on the bed and crawled up next to Ray, gently pulling him up so they were fully lying on the bed before drawing the man into his arms.

„I always want you, Doll. You‘re so perfect for me, and so good. Such a good boy.“ He ran his hands through Ray‘s hair, listening to his partner sobbing into his chest as he clung to Mick.

„Thank you, thank you… thank you for not blaming me, and for wanting to keep me, Master. Thank you for setting me right again… I love you, Master!“ He was babbling again, but Mick knew that he was just speaking the truth, so he let him and just smiled even though he couldn‘t see it, and placed a kiss on the crown of his head.

„Of course I wanna keep you, pet. Tell you what, we continue being this good together, we can make it to thirty years as well.“ That was reaching a bit far, maybe, already thingking about making it to thirty years when they hadn‘t even reached one full year yet, but it seemed to calm Ray down, and he even let out a wet little chuckle as he snuggled impossibly closer to Mick.

„Thank you for making me talk“ he whispered and pressed a kiss to Mick‘s shoulder, making him shudder pleasantly.

„I knew you needed it. Gets terrible when you let it fester inside. S not healthy.“ Not that he was very healthy in his way of dealing with emotions, but that didn‘t mean he couldn‘t make sure that Ray was handling them better. That was important, after all.

„Yeah, I needed it. I was getting so deep in and got so panicky that you‘d dump me before long and blaming me for his death...“

„Nah. He made his choice, Haircut. It‘s his own fault.“ Didn‘t mean it didn‘t hurt like a bitch, and that he was still missing him like a limb. The idiot had made his own decision, and they had to deal with it now.

Ray was nodding against his chest now, and then gently pushed them over until he could lie half on top of Mick, head pillowed on his shoulder and ass exposed to the relatively cool air.

„Thank you for teaching me that, Master“ he murmured, and even if it still didn‘t sound quite convinced yet, Mick counted it as a win.

„Anytime, Doll“, Mick told him and reached down to gently rest a hand on Ray‘s behind, feeling how sore and hot it was. Ray gave a little wince, and that was all Mick really needed to know, though he could also feel the heat seeping into his fingers as he touched the reddened skin.

„Lotion time?“ He knew he‘d need to move out from under Ray for that, but lotion usually helped him feeling better, and it had become a staple in their aftercare routine.

„Can you… ice cubes? And lotion?“ Ray almost sounded a little sleepy now, exhausted from the spanking and the crying. So Mick pressed a little kiss to his forehead and gently moved him onto the bed, tucking a pillow under his head before slipping out of the room. Ray didn‘t often ask for ice cubes, only when he felt like he needed a serious calm down, but of course Mick would do so for him. He hated the cold numbness in his fingertips after, but it was worth seeing the blissed out relaxation on Ray‘s face.

Moments later, he slid back in, ice cube tray in hand, and Ray gave him a lazy smile when he saw it, wriggling his red butt (that also sported a nice purple bruise at this point) to entice Mick to come closer. So he did, popping out one of the ice cubes as he went and sitting down on the bed next to Ray.

The satisfied groan as the ice hit the hot skin was already so rewarding, and Mick gently ran the melting ice over his Haircut‘s skin until Ray started making little sounds of discomfort. Before he could even voice that he had had enough, Mick had already taken the ice cube off his skin and was reaching for a towel to dry him off so that he could then apply some lotion.

As he dried his sub off, he watched Ray drift off into sleep, and he gave him a kiss on his cheek and took his time applying some lotion to his sore skin before pulling the blankets over him and joining him, holding him as he napped.

It wasn‘t usual for Ray to fall asleep after a spanking, but Mick knew that this one had taken quite a toll on him and that he needed the rest. Not to mention the nightmares that had been plaguing him and had also cost him some precious sleep.

So Mick snuggled up to his darling and held him, gently stroking his hair and giving him the reassurance even in sleep that he was safe, that Mick would be there for him.

And later, when he woke up just in time for dinner Mick would check on him again, and help him dress and kiss him deeply and much too tenderly and then walk to the mess hall with him hand in hand, and when Ray would beam and smile like the sun itself for the first time in days even as he winced when he sat down, Mick would feel so accomplished and terribly, terribly proud of his Haircut.


End file.
